Birthday Blues

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"When a man’s ways please the Lord, he makes even his enemies to be at peace with him. Better is a little with righteousness than great revenues with injustice. The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps."

Proverbs 16:7-9, ESV

This past weekend was my birthday. 

I don’t tend to love birthdays. Never have. Pollyanna over here has always seen them as a marker of another year gone by where I haven't gotten to where I hoped to be. By 12, I was already panicking that I had yet to produce one of my musicals on Broadway and was running out of time for the “child prodigy” title.

Seriously.

And, to be clear, the only hope I ever had for such a title was being a prodigy in cosmic-level dreaming.

I think my dreams lean more toward the sane and achievable now: get a dog (check!), buy my first house (check!), climb to the base camp of Mount Everest (it’s possible…).

Yet, I’ve learned the truth of the verse, “a man plans his steps…”

With each passing year, the more I realize that I am not equipped to plan my steps. I don’t think there is anything wrong with dreaming - small or big -, but there have been so many things that God has said “no” to, that I am now incredibly grateful I didn’t achieve.

I’ve been keeping Tiger Woods in my prayer journal. He achieved everything, and I can’t help but think it wrecked his life. I’m not trying to call him out or embarrass him (since surely he reads “Pearls from Squirrel”); I could give a hundred other names who fall into the same boat!

This birthday, I tried to approach things differently. A little more peacefully. I have been blessed with so many opportunities that I didn’t even think to dream of but have loved: volunteering on an archeological dig. Taking a pasta making class and falling in love with making my own spaghetti. Getting into long-distance running. Heck, even getting Squirrel. I grew up with a German Shepherd and always said I didn’t want any other breed.

If I had my own way, none of those things would have happened. And missing out on Squirrel? I don’t think so.

LORD, I can’t wait to see what you have in store this new year. I’m sure it will look different from anything I could imagine. So maybe this year I’ll leave the imagining to you, and I’ll just embrace the ride.